Loneliness? Tips to Overcome It

“Man stands in his own shadow and wonders why it's dark.” ~Zen Proverb

Loneliness is a complex mental and emotional phenomenon that has at its base a powerful emotion that has survival value for children. All of us have experienced some degree of abandonment, if only for a short time, and remember the painful and scary feeling that goes along with it.

Whenever we are reminded of this feeling or anticipate it in the future, we get a twinge of abandonment distress that we experience as loneliness. This can happen among a crowd of friends or even after making love. It can be confusing and can put you off your game if you don't know what's going on.

Here's how to fight loneliness by recognizing what it is and dealing with it in the healthiest ways.

Loneliness can take root deeply within you. Maybe your daily routine is punctuated by this pain emanating from an emptiness in your chest. If so, you know that you are in trouble. It is a symptom of your severed connection from humanity. But while it can instil a sense of worthlessness and hopelessness, it can also be soothed.

The healing agents for loneliness are awareness, acceptance, and compassion. Here’s how it works:

Awareness. Choose to bring your awareness to your experience. Pay attention to how your body feels—the hollowness in your chest, the constriction in your throat, the heaviness of your body. If you feel the sadness well up within you, allow yourself to cry without restraint.

Acceptance. Many people instinctively try to run from loneliness. Sometimes they try to hide from it by numbing themselves. They might sleep, watch TV, or play video games. Or, they might try to distract themselves with chores and activities. They keep busy and superficially engaged in life. But none of this really works—at least not for the long haul. The aching emptiness breaks through numbed bodies and mindless activity.

Sometimes, people try to get rid of the pain by blaming themselves for it. They criticize themselves for being unworthy of others. They see all their flaws or mistakes and demean themselves for them. Frequently, their unconscious hope is that if they could identify what’s wrong with themselves and fix it, then they can make the pain go away. Or, if they can’t make it go away, they can at least make sense of it. But they only feel worse for their efforts.

Instead, choose to stay with the feeling. Acknowledge your loneliness and choose to continue being aware of it.

Compassion. Practice reminding yourself that others feel lonely, too. It is part of the human experience that most people share at some time or other. And just as you would show compassion for anyone else who suffers from being lonely, you also deserve this caring response. So, choose to see yourself with perspective—as you would see someone else—and tell yourself that it is sad that you feel so alone.

If you have supportive others in your life, reach out to them. Take a deep breath, pick up the phone to text or call, and ask for support in whatever form you need it. Allowing yourself to truly connect with others will help you feel emotionally stronger and less alone.

Strange as it might seem, there are benefits to loneliness, so you don’t necessarily want to be totally without it. By feeling lonely, you can understand and have compassion for others who feel similarly. Your loneliness can also be a crucial signal that your relationships are not as emotionally close, supportive, or engaging as you really want them to be. So, it offers you a chance to identify this problem and make efforts to fix it.

As you consider these ideas, keep this in mind: The person who you are right now is in pain, a very human kind of pain in which you feel different from all other people and yearn to feel connected. Just as it would be sad to see others struggle with this, it is sad that you feel this way. And just as you would naturally feel compassion for their pain, you deserve the same compassion. So accept and feel your loneliness. Then offer yourself compassion. Doing this will help to ease your pain, open you up to experiencing a sense of feeling connected, and help you to take the necessary steps to reach out to others. 

1.Realize that loneliness is a feeling, not a fact.

when you are feeling lonely, it is because something has triggered a memory of that feeling, not because you are isolated and alone. The brain is designed to pay attention to pain and danger, and that includes painful scary feelings; therefore, loneliness gets our attention. 

But then the brain tries to make sense of the feeling. Why am I feeling this way? Is it because nobody loves me? Because I am a loser? Because they are all mean? Theories about why you are feeling lonely can become confused with facts. Then it becomes a bigger problem so just realize that you are having this feeling and accept it without overreacting.

2. Reach out, because loneliness is painful and can confuse you into thinking that you are an outcast.

You might react by withdrawing into yourself, your thoughts and your lonely feelings, and this is not helpful. At its best, the anticipation of loneliness might motivate us to reach out and cultivate friendships, which is the healthiest thing to do if you are sad and alone.

When you are a child and your sadness cause you to cry, you may evoke a comforting response from others. If you're an adult, not so much.

 

3. Notice your self-defeating thoughts.

We often create self-centred stories to explain our feelings when we are young, and it is not unusual for children to assume that there is something wrong with them if they are not happy. If they are lonely and sad, children may assume other people don't like them when this is rarely the case.

Victims of bullying may well have fans and friends, but they often aren't aware of it because the shame and loneliness get more attention. Habitual assumptions about social status continue into adulthood and if you are looking for evidence that the world sucks, you can always find it.

4. Plan to fight the mental and emotional habits of loneliness.

If you realize you are dealing with an emotional habit, you can plan to learn how to fight loneliness. Since healthy interaction with friends is good, make some effort to reach out to others, to initiate conversation and FaceTime even when your loneliness and depression are telling you not to.

Yes, it is work, but it is worthwhile, just like exercising is worthwhile even when you are feeling tired or lazy.

5. By focusing on the needs and feelings of others, there will be attention on your lonely thoughts and feelings.

I can walk down the street thinking about myself, my loneliness and the hopelessness of it all, staring at the sidewalk and sighing to myself. Or I can walk down the street grateful for the diversity of people I get to share the sidewalk with, silently wishing them good health and good fortune, and smiling at each person I meet.

The latter is more fun, even though I sometimes must remind myself to do it on purpose.

6. Find others like you.

Nowadays there are more tools than ever before to find out where the knitters, hikers or kite boarders are congregating so that you can get together with those who share your interests. This makes it much easier to identify groups with which you will have something in common, a natural basis for beginning a friendship.

7. Always show up when meeting up with others.

You don't have to run for president of the knitter’s society at your first meeting. But you do have to show up. I have been telling others to practice yoga for 20 years and promising I would do it myself for just as long, but except for the occasional coincidental yoga offering at a retreat, I didn't take the trouble of finding a class I could attend regularly until a month ago.

Now, I am enjoying it and it wasn't that hard. I have put a reminder in my phone to resign from the procrastinator's society.

8. Be curious, but don't expect perfection or applause.

Each time you show up is an experiment, a micro-adventure in social bonding. If you are curious about and interested in others, they will be attracted to you because you are giving them attention. So, you will get attention in return.

Curiosity about others also takes your focus away from those painful feelings that tend to make you hide and sulk.

9. Kindness goes a long way.

"There's nobody here but us chickens." This is one of my favourite lines from The Lazy Man's Guide to Enlightenment by Thaddeus Golas. Underneath the impressive facades of the high fliers are the same set of emotions we all are born with. Celebrities suffer from stage fright and depression, too. 

You have the power to offer loving kindness and generosity of spirit to all you meet. It isn't instinctual to be kind to strangers or people who scare you. But it is a choice.

It is a choice that Jesus and Gandhi used intentionally. And in the long run it is a winning choice. The alternative, being mean or stingy with those you don't know well, can get you a reputation as a Scrooge.

10. Be persistent even if a group does seem to be a dead end for you, try another.

AA and AlAnon recommend that everyone try six different groups to find one that suits you best. If you are persistent, challenging the assumptions and feelings that tell you to give up and resign yourself to a life of loneliness, and showing up and being curious and kind to others and more and more groups, the odds are in your favour.

And once you have a friend or two, nourish those friendships with time and attention. Don't be too cautious about whether you are giving more than you are getting at first. If you make more friends and some of them are takers, you can choose to spend more time with the friends who reward your friendship. 

Being alone doesn’t mean you have to feel lonely. And feeling lonely doesn’t mean that you must feel that way indefinitely. All emotions pass, depending on what you're thinking and what you're doing. Life is too short to waste on suffering from core loneliness.