“Man stands in his own shadow and wonders why it's
dark.” ~Zen Proverb
Loneliness
is a complex mental and emotional phenomenon that has at its base a powerful
emotion that has survival value for children. All of us have experienced some
degree of abandonment, if only for a short time, and remember the painful and
scary feeling that goes along with it.
Whenever we are reminded of this feeling or anticipate it in the
future, we get a twinge of abandonment distress that we experience as
loneliness. This can happen among a crowd of friends or even after making love. It can be confusing and can put you off your game if you
don't know what's going on.
Here's how to fight loneliness by recognizing what it is
and dealing with it in the healthiest ways.
Loneliness can take root
deeply within you. Maybe your daily routine is punctuated by this pain
emanating from an emptiness in your chest. If so, you know that you are in
trouble. It is a symptom of your severed connection from humanity. But while it
can instil a sense of worthlessness and hopelessness, it can also be soothed.
The healing agents for loneliness are awareness, acceptance, and
compassion. Here’s how it works:
Awareness. Choose to bring your awareness to
your experience. Pay attention to how your body feels—the hollowness in your
chest, the constriction in your throat, the heaviness of your body. If you feel
the sadness well up within you, allow yourself to cry without restraint.
Acceptance. Many people instinctively try to run from loneliness. Sometimes
they try to hide from it by numbing themselves. They might sleep,
watch TV, or play video games. Or, they might try to distract themselves with
chores and activities. They keep busy and superficially engaged in life. But
none of this really works—at least not for the long haul. The aching emptiness
breaks through numbed bodies and mindless activity.
Sometimes,
people try to get rid of the pain by blaming themselves for it. They criticize
themselves for being unworthy of others. They see all their flaws or mistakes
and demean themselves for them. Frequently, their unconscious
hope is that if they could identify what’s wrong with themselves and fix it,
then they can make the pain go away. Or, if they can’t make it go away, they
can at least make sense of it. But they only feel worse for their efforts.
Instead,
choose to stay
with the feeling. Acknowledge your loneliness and choose to continue being
aware of it.
Compassion. Practice
reminding yourself that others feel lonely, too. It is part of the human
experience that most people share at some time or other. And just as you would
show compassion for anyone else who suffers from being lonely, you also deserve
this caring response. So, choose to see yourself with perspective—as you would
see someone else—and tell yourself that it is sad that you feel so alone.
If you
have supportive others in your life, reach out to them. Take a deep breath,
pick up the phone to text or call, and ask for support in whatever form you
need it. Allowing yourself to truly connect with others will help you feel
emotionally stronger and less alone.
Strange as
it might seem, there are benefits to loneliness, so you don’t necessarily want
to be totally without it. By feeling lonely, you can understand and have
compassion for others who feel similarly. Your loneliness can also be a crucial
signal that your relationships are not as emotionally close, supportive, or
engaging as you really want them to be. So, it offers you a chance to identify
this problem and make efforts to fix it.
As you
consider these ideas, keep this in mind: The person who you are right now is in
pain, a very human kind of pain in which you feel different from all other
people and yearn to feel connected. Just as it would be sad to see others
struggle with this, it is sad that you feel this way. And just
as you would naturally feel compassion for their pain, you deserve the same
compassion. So accept and feel your loneliness. Then offer yourself compassion.
Doing this will help to ease your pain, open you up to experiencing a sense of
feeling connected, and help you to take the necessary steps to reach out to
others.
1.Realize
that loneliness is a feeling, not a fact.
when you are
feeling lonely, it is because something has triggered a memory of that feeling,
not because you are isolated and alone. The brain is designed to pay
attention to pain and danger, and that includes painful scary feelings; therefore,
loneliness gets our attention.
But then the brain tries to make sense of the feeling. Why
am I feeling this way? Is it because nobody loves me? Because I
am a loser? Because they are all mean? Theories about why you
are feeling lonely can become confused with facts. Then it becomes a bigger
problem so just realize that you are having this feeling and accept it without
overreacting.
2. Reach
out, because loneliness is painful and can confuse you into thinking that you
are an outcast.
You might react by withdrawing into yourself, your
thoughts and your lonely feelings, and this is not helpful. At its best,
the anticipation of loneliness might motivate us to reach out and
cultivate friendships, which is the healthiest thing to do if you are sad and
alone.
When you are a child and your sadness cause you to cry, you
may evoke a comforting response from others. If you're an adult, not so much.
3. Notice your self-defeating thoughts.
We often
create self-centred stories to explain our feelings when we are young, and it
is not unusual for children to assume that there is something wrong with them
if they are not happy. If they are lonely and sad, children may assume other
people don't like them when this is rarely the case.
Victims of bullying
may well have fans and friends, but they often aren't aware of it because the
shame and loneliness get more attention. Habitual assumptions about social
status continue into adulthood and if you are looking for evidence that the
world sucks, you can always find it.
4. Plan to fight the mental and emotional habits of loneliness.
If you realize you are dealing with an emotional habit, you can plan
to learn how to fight loneliness. Since healthy interaction with friends is
good, make some effort to reach out to others, to initiate conversation and
FaceTime even when your loneliness and
depression are telling you not to.
Yes, it is work, but it is worthwhile, just like exercising is worthwhile even when you are feeling tired or lazy.
5. By
focusing on the needs and feelings of others, there will be attention on your
lonely thoughts and feelings.
I can walk
down the street thinking about myself, my loneliness and the hopelessness of it
all, staring at the sidewalk and sighing to myself. Or I can walk down the
street grateful for the diversity of people I get to share the sidewalk with,
silently wishing them good health and good
fortune, and smiling at each person I meet.
The latter is more fun, even though I sometimes must remind myself
to do it on purpose.
6. Find
others like you.
Nowadays there are more tools than ever before to find out where
the knitters, hikers or kite boarders are congregating so that you can get
together with those who share your interests. This makes it much easier to
identify groups with which you will have something in common, a natural basis for beginning a
friendship.
7. Always
show up when meeting up with others.
You don't
have to run for president of the knitter’s society at your first meeting. But
you do have to show up. I have been telling others to practice
yoga for 20 years and promising I would do it myself for just as
long, but except for the occasional coincidental yoga offering at a retreat, I
didn't take the trouble of finding a class I could attend regularly until a
month ago.
Now, I am enjoying it and it wasn't that hard. I have put a
reminder in my phone to resign from the procrastinator's society.
8. Be
curious, but don't expect perfection or applause.
Each time you show up is an experiment, a micro-adventure in
social bonding. If you are curious about and interested in others, they will be
attracted to you because you are giving them attention. So, you will get
attention in return.
Curiosity about others also takes your focus away from those painful feelings that
tend to make you hide and sulk.
9. Kindness
goes a long way.
"There's
nobody here but us chickens." This is one of my favourite lines
from The Lazy Man's Guide to Enlightenment by
Thaddeus Golas. Underneath the impressive facades of the high fliers are the
same set of emotions we all are born with. Celebrities suffer from stage fright
and depression, too.
You have the power to offer loving kindness and generosity of
spirit to all you meet. It isn't instinctual to be kind to strangers or people
who scare you. But it is a choice.
It is a choice that Jesus and Gandhi used
intentionally. And in the long run it is a winning choice. The alternative,
being mean or stingy with those you don't know well, can get you a reputation
as a Scrooge.
10. Be persistent even if a group does seem to be a dead end for you, try
another.
AA and AlAnon recommend that everyone try six different groups to
find one that suits you best. If you are persistent, challenging the
assumptions and feelings that tell you to give up and resign yourself to a life
of loneliness, and showing up and being curious and kind to others and more and
more groups, the odds are in your favour.
And once you have a friend or two, nourish those friendships with
time and attention. Don't be too cautious about whether you are
giving more than you are getting at first. If you make more friends and some of
them are takers, you can choose to spend more time with the friends who reward
your friendship.
Being
alone doesn’t mean you have to feel lonely. And feeling lonely doesn’t mean
that you must feel that way indefinitely. All emotions pass, depending on what
you're thinking and what you're doing. Life is too short to waste
on suffering from core loneliness.
